Mea Culpa: How to Apologize

I recently made a mistake. A very costly mistake. It cost me money, time and energy. However, the true value of the cost to me was that it may have cost me a friendship.

I spent a couple of weeks really beating myself up over the circumstances. This person said they needed time to come to terms with how I had failed them. That was a very bitter pill for me to swallow. I do my best to always do my best. And yes, I had failed. Still, I had to understand where they were and allow them their space. And yes, it hurt.

What I will share with you from this experience is that I had an opportunity to apologize in the best and most sincere way I know how.

As a child I was taught to apologize predominantly to my sibling. It went kind of like this:

Mom: “Tell your sister you’re sorry!”

Me: “Sorry…” (Insert eye rolling, insincere tone, and desire to get back to whatever the hell I was doing the moment before)

You see, I wasn’t really sorry for what I had done, I was sorry I had gotten caught.

Now as an adult when I’ve done something that warrants apology it is sincere and heartfelt. But sometimes it is not enough. I am coming to terms with that. I still have a hope that we can rebuild our friendship and move beyond this.

If you ever find yourself in a position where you need to apologize and you haven’t been taught how to do it in the most appropriate manner, here is a tool that can help.

Admit it. Be specific. This is where you communicate that you understand what they are upset about.

Script starter: “I’m sorry that I ____.” (Do not use “I’m sorry you are upset”; this is your opportunity to take responsibility for what you did.)

Describe why you were wrong. This is where you clarify your understanding of why they’re upset and your opportunity to take ownership of your behavior.

Script starter: “This is wrong because _____.” 

Promise to be better. Identify for them what you will differently; use positive language to tell them what you will do, not what you won’t do.

Script starter: “In the future, I will _____.”

Ask forgiveness. There’s no rule that says they have to forgive you and I cannot guarantee that you will be forgiven; that’s always up to the individual who’s been wronged. They have every right to their feelings and every right to their decision-making. It’s not for you to understand, agree with or accept. Ultimately, you simply must respect their decision, and yourself.

Script starter: “Will you forgive me?”  

“If you don’t change your thinking, you’ll keep creating the same patterns over and over.” Listen in: http://bit.ly/LIJL071514mp3